Is It Mom-Rage or Overstimulation? Find Out Here

Is your mom-rage getting the best of you in your daily life, or are you just overwhelmed by overstimulation? In this post, we'll explore the connection between the two and help you uncover the true causes behind those moments when you feel on the verge of losing it. Then, we’ll dive into ways you can manage and alleviate these intense feelings.

Mom-Rage or Overstimulation?

When frosting causes mom-rage, is it really about the frosting?

Something that really … (🤔 what’s the word) … vexes me in motherhood is that KNOWING isn’t enough. I know things that trigger me, I know how to avoid them, or mitigate them, or manage them, or recover from them. But knowing isn’t enough. I still have to “do the work” 🤮

If this sounds like you, my friend, read on.

Story time.

A couple years ago, back when my kids still counted as “little kids,” we had been at a pool birthday party for a couple-few hours and, overstimulated by all the people and all the noise and the need to be attentive to water safety, I was more than ready to get home. I had finally ushered them out of the pool and out of the bouncy house (it was a great party) when someone gave the kids aNOTHER cupcake. (😑 Lady, my kids are not human garbage cans.)

Since I was so ready to get home I made the stupid-ass decision to let the kids take these frosting-laden cupcakes into the car. I mean, there was as much frosting as there was cupcake.

Then, as my mom says, “my brain tried to help me.”

I said to myself, Self, this could get messy.

Then, of course it did. One cupcake got dropped into the carpet, frosting side down. Somehow frosting got smeared on the front passenger seat and car seat (the un-washable kind of car seat). The 6-year-old was giving himself a sensory experience with the frosting, the slippery yet sticky texture gooping through his fingers. I stopped him just as he was about to give himself a frosting facial.

Even though my brain tried to help me (“This could get messy”) I still propelled into intense maternal anger. Yelling at these kids for being kids. Yelling when the inevitable transpired.

Let’s review the scene:

• I was overstimulated by the party.
• We were careening past bedtime.
• My husband was out of town and I was gonna be soloing the bedtime, which is usually his job.
• And then all this added mess. 🤯

One little thing after another.

Overstimulation slowly burns the fuse that is your temper, making it shorter and shorter until something insignificant like frosting makes you blow. Queue the explosive anger and/or physical outbursts.

Have you been there?

But here’s the twist: Even though I was yelling, I wasn’t actually angry!

It looked like rage, it sounded like rage, it even felt like rage. But it was overstimulation.

So what is overstimulation in mom-life?

If you’ve experienced any of the following, you’ve likely experienced overstimulation:

• You’ve felt “touched out”
• You’ve said the words “I can’t hear myself think!”
• You’ve wanted to tear off your leggings or your bra because they feel too tight
• You’ve been driven to the brink by sounds that you typically can tolerate
• You’ve felt so distracted by everything going on around you that you can’t focus or make decisions - forget about the to-do list
• You’ve felt desperate for 5 minutes of alone time with the door closed and lights off and ear plugs in and eye mask on under a weighted blanket so you could get some quiet time and personal space. What? Is this a common experience or just me?

If you know you’re a highly sensitive person (HSP), then you’re probably well aware of what it feels like to be overstimulated or experiencing sensory overload.

Then what is mom-rage?

Mom-rage. I’ve seen it. I’ve felt it. But let me blow your mind by offering this: it doesn’t actually exist.

“Mom-rage” or maternal rage is actually an explosive expression of something else that’s going on before the explosion.

Here are some triggers of mom rage. Different people have different triggers depending on external factors. Do you recognize any of these in yourself?

• Overstimulation
• Overwhelm
• Sleep deprivation
• Unmet needs (physical, emotional, or social)
• Feeling unappreciated
• Feeling unsupported
• Feelings of guilt
• Feeling resentful
• Hormones (whether or not we want to admit it)
• Unrealistic expectations (of yourself or others)
• Unrealistic societal expectations (thank you, social media)
• Financial stress
• Past unresolved trauma
• Triggers reminding you of what was expected of you as a child
• Loss of autonomy
• Exhaustion due to hypervigilance
• Underlying mental health concerns, including anxiety, PPD, and PMAD
• Emotional and physical exhaustion from constant caregiving responsibilities

So what we’ve been calling “mom-rage” is actually a perfectly human response in someone who happens to be a mom. And all those mom-life factors have limited your ability to cope. And then you blow your top.

Instead of trying (again and again and again) to “calm down” or “stop yelling,” we need to move upstream and give ourselves a chance of FEELING better so we can BEHAVE in alignment with our values.

Turns out I’m NOT an angry mom, a bad mom, or an angry person. I just get overstimulated sometimes.

Ok, so if I know now that what I'm feeling is overstimulation and not rage, what can I do?

Here’s how I help my mom-life coaching clients, and how I could help you:

First step: We would identify circumstances that tend to spark the experience of mom rage (your own triggers - Societal pressures? Environmental factors? Etc.) and then we’d look at what came before and during the episodes to gain a deeper understanding.

We’d clearly define your needs.

We’d lay out a plan and take proactive steps for you to get the right things in place so that your needs are met more of the time.

We’d talk a lot about worthiness and self-compassion. We’d work on ridding you of feelings of mom guilt. This is an ongoing endeavor.

You would try some strategies, then you’d come back and we’d discuss how it went. How it felt.

And we’d keep going. Not toward perfection. Not expecting to never feel that elevated charge. Not expecting to never yell again.

But to feel better more of the time. To behave in alignment with your values more of the time. To recover and repair more easily and more quickly more of the time. Even when your mental load feels heaviest.

Good news: You don't need to solve your mom-rage or overstimulation on your own

If this approach sounds like just the help you need, apply for mom-life coaching. I’d love to support you and help you find happiness, peace, and ease in your experience of motherhood.

You can read more about my approach to coaching here.

And you can reach me with any questions [email protected]

Ready Set Recap

• Overstimulation slowly burns the fuse that is your temper, making it shorter and shorter until something insignificant makes you blow. Queue the anger outbursts.
• HSPs (people with high sensitivity) are especially susceptible to experience overstimulation of their sensory system. Emotional regulation of intense feelings of anger becomes even more difficult.
• Many factors can trigger a stress response and make a mother feel overstimulated and drained of patience and tolerance
• Instead of trying to stop yourself from raging or having intense anger, it can be much more effective to move upstream and get your needs met
• Self-reflection, self-compassion, and practice will be necessary to help you change the pattern of overstimulation-to-rage response the next time you experience it

I wish flagging something for myself was enough to prevent the blow-up.

Like I did at the end of that pool birthday party: “I’m overstimulated. This could get messy.”

But it’s not. This is where “doing the work” comes in. And why I’m here to help.

Should I do a follow-up on identifying your sources of dysregulation, avoiding them, managing them, and recovering from them? Let me know in the comments.

This post was all about determining if it is mom-rage or overstimulation. If this meant something to you, you might also like:

The Importance of Flexibility in Parenting (+ Tips!)

Yelling and Parenthood: Is this combination ever ok?

You Are Not Your Mother: How expectations are ruining your experience of motherhood



If this post helps make your mom-life easier,

subscribe to the weekly-ish newsletter and never miss a post.