You Are Not Your Mother: How expectations are ruining your experience of motherhood

Comparing your experience of motherhood to your mother’s is unhelpful. You are not your mother, your circumstances aren’t what her’s were.

Your unspoken expectations may be ruining your experience of motherhood. For some women, understanding that and releasing that can help reduce struggle.

You Are Not Your Mother

If you’ve ever struggled in motherhood and then shamed yourself for struggling, please read on.

Breaking Generational Cycles

I’ve read a lot about women becoming mothers and breaking generational cycles of trauma, abuse, neglect, or poverty in the way they are raising their own families. What it takes to do that work — situational awareness, self-awareness, commitment, effort, and imagination — is inspirational.

That is not my story. My story is one of a long line of loving, supportive matriarchs. And as crazy as it sounds, that was part of my problem.

Erika with her mother, grandmother, and daughter, circa 2016.

Four generations, ranging in age from 1 to 94.

Stop Shaming Yourself

I shamed myself for far too long, with thoughts like “It could be worse! I have so much going for me, I have no right to struggle.” But that didn’t help me struggle any less.

One day, out of nowhere I realized one reason I struggled so much: I am not my mother. (Obviously.)

She had a well-defined career and identity. > I did not.

She knew without a doubt that she didn’t want to be a stay-at-home mom. > I did not.

She had her parents 9 minutes down the road for childcare. > I did not.

Her nervous system wasn’t prone to dysregulation. She wasn’t sensitive to the same things that I was. And if she ever did need a break, she knew how to get it.

She didn’t experience perinatal mood and anxiety disorder (PMAD).

She never yelled. Ever. (This is not an exaggeration.)

Why am I saying all this?

I Am Not My Mother, And Neither Are You

Well, if I am not my mother, then my experience of motherhood is not going to be like her experience. What worked for her is not going to work for me.

~flashback~

On a visit home to Pittsburgh years ago, my mom was driving, and I was sitting in the back to be near my child, because I was feeling anxious about his or her safety. (I don’t remember if I had had my second baby at this point or if I was pregnant with him.) My safety concern wasn’t logical, this was PMAD. And I started crying. My mom looked at me in the rearview mirror, as moms do, and gently asked what was wrong.

I said something like, It’s just so hard.

She lovingly said, “Oh, Erika, you thought it was going to be easy?”

~and scene~

And I had. “Never let ’em see you sweat” could have been our family motto.

If Motherhood Is Hard For You, You’re Not Alone

It took me another year at least to admit that motherhood was hard for me. Once I admitted it, I could stop struggling and take a look at MY life, in THIS day and age, in MY circumstances, with MY temperament, and start finding what works for me.

I’m not actually saying my mom had it easier. I can’t say what her thoughts and feelings were all along the way, and certainly there are circumstances unknown to me.

She had it different. I do believe her clear sense of self and clear sense of purpose allowed her not to struggle in ways that I did.

Mom-Win: You Are Not Your Mother

Take a look at an area of your life where you're struggling, and ask yourself this one question: Am I making this harder because a part of me thinks it should be easy?

And if the answer is, "well, shucks, yes!" then how can that realization help you unlock acceptance and then a more easeful way forward?

Identity work — acceptance, values, temperament, purpose, fulfillment — is central to my mom-life coaching practice. Imagine by the end of summer getting clarity on all that and a clear path forward.

If you’re intrigued, get the ball rolling by booking a free 20-minute Fit Check call.

Or go ahead and apply here: readysetmoms.com/coaching

In this and all things mom-life, you've got my support!

XOXO

Erika

Ready Set Recap

• You are not your mother
• If motherhood is hard for you, you're not alone
• There's no need to shame yourself

This post was all about the fact that you are not your mother, and how your expectations may be ruining your experience of motherhood. If you found this article about the fact that you are not your mother relatable or helpful, you might also like:

Mother’s Day Devotion To Celebrate Yourself

4 Steps to Overcome Perfectionism in Motherhood — Because It's Not Helping

How to let go of perfectionism in motherhood



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