I Am Sensitive Today

Ever know what to do, but you can’t do it? Ever do all the things that help, but they don’t?

Whether you’re trying not to yell at your kids, keep your house tidy, be on time for a change, rein in your ADHD and get shit done, or whatever you’re doing your best at, know this:

Some days are harder than others.

Some things are out of our control.

The things that usually work, won’t always.

Self-compassion itself is a practice that is more available some days than others.

But it is a practice. It’s not something you memorize like multiplication tables or a recipe you know by heart, your grandmother’s sauce.

It’s more like taking a walk, hearing the birds, feeling the breeze on your cheeks, noticing what is. Self-compassion is noticing what is. Again, and again.

I wrote the following words when an ADHD storm wouldn’t let up. Pretty sure nothing else “productive” got done that day. Letting go helped me weather it. Sharing these words with you, in hopes they help you too, today or some day you need it.

I Am Sensitive Today

I am sensitive today

To the volume of this music

I didn’t choose

And her phone call

And winter’s cigarette smoke clinging to his coat

I’m sensitive today

And my senses are more powerful

Than my discipline

And my to-do list

I’ve done the things that help me with these things — the walk and the gym and the shower and the good food and the coffee shop and the list and the tricks, one small thing, make it smaller — but they’re not helping today

I’m sensitive today

So in the absence of productive

What else can I be?

I can accept it

I can be gentle

I can be unashamed

I can be curious

I can be unhurried

I can wiggle

I can cuddle

I can do one thing

Any old thing

Even one that’s not on my list

I can look out this window

Watch the April snowflakes fall and drift and swirl

I can write these words

I can taste this coffee

I can smile and nod hello

I can marvel at the sweetness of your baby, so big!

I can go for another walk

I can pet my neighbor’s dog, shaggy and wet with this April snow, so delighted to be a dog on this day

I can get out of my head and into my body, follow my grandma’s advice: when the world doesn’t make sense, stand on my head

I can keep trying

Or try something else

Or stop trying

Or try later

I can unplug me and plug me back in. I hear that can help.

Touch a tree.

I can help someone else — the best treatment for feeling helpless.

I can smile and nod — the light in me sees the light in you.

I can set my sights higher than my list and remember my own definition of productivity: making a difference.

How about a cup of tea? Mint sounds good.

How about greeting my kids off the bus? Light, delight, delighted.

How about a game? How about a laugh?

How about baking cookies, the ones with too many chocolate chunks?

How about snacks for dinner, on a picnic blanket in front of the TV?

How about us just being us?

How about writing down one thing, the smallest thing, that I can do tomorrow, to feel productive, to make a difference.

I’m sensitive today

And that’s ok

I can love me anyway.

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