Dear Mom: Here's A Simple Way To *Actually* Unwind
Has this happened to you? >>> You need a break, you get a break, but you can’t relax. You settle down after a long day with a good book or for some self care, and it doesn’t feel relaxing.
Read on, dear friend. The following tips will help.
Unwinding As A Mom
My love. What’s happening is you are not a robot who can shift from one mode to another on demand.
This happened to me yesterday. We got to the pool, I sufficiently sunscreened the kids, reminded them of the rules, got the lay of the land (pool wasn’t crowded, lifeguards were in position), and settled in with my book and some personal time.
(For you moms stressing poolside because your kids aren’t reliable swimmers yet, I come from the future to tell you it gets better!)
But it wasn’t happening. I was distracted and fidgety. I couldn’t read more than a paragraph. How frustrating.
Relaxing wasn't relaxing
If this happens to you — you want a break, you get a break, but you can’t relax — a few things might be at play. Now it’s time to determine the root cause.
1. Your nervous system is dysregulated
When your nervous system is dysregulated, it can be challenging to let go and relax. So mama, hypervigilant much? Is your space extra cluttered? Is the noise getting to you? Has something overwhelming happened recently? Have the typical demands and stressors of mom-life accumulated between your eyebrows and between your shoulder blades?
Self-care for moms MUST include nervous system regulation. And your unique experience of dysregulation calls for your own unique recipe for regulation. This could take some experimentation to find the recipe that’s right for you. Here are a few effective ways and things you could try:
- Breathing exercises with deep breathing
- Mindfulness meditation
- Being out in nature
- Grounding practices
- A cup of tea or your favorite cup of coffee
- Calming your senses with an eye mask
- A warm bath with epsom salts, a bath bomb
- Ear plugs and a nap with a weighted blanket
- A massage to release any built-up, chronic stress
The thing is, getting yourself into a balanced state first can then make relaxation possible. Regulation is kind of like foreplay for relaxation. (Made myself laugh with this one.)
2. Your mind is preoccupied
A preoccupied mind can be a major barrier to relaxation. When your thoughts are racing or you're continuously worrying about tasks left undone, it becomes nearly impossible to unwind.
This mental clutter can stem from work obligations, family members and family responsibilities, the demands of motherhood and personal anxieties, or your daily life and daily routine in general. A great way to declutter your mind is by jotting down your thoughts in a journal, your notes app, or to-do lists.
This act of externalizing your worries can free up mental space, allowing you to focus on the present moment and find the peace you’re seeking.
Pro tip — If you’re more of a verbal processor, or desire a little less screen time, the best way you can get the same benefits of a brain release is by dictating into your notes app (aka talk-to-text). Your notes app will capture what you say in a stream of consciousness, then you can go back and clean it up if necessary.
3. You're feeling guilty about taking time for yourself
Ready Set Moms is on a mission to cure our generation of mom-guilt.
Guilt can be a powerful emotion that prevents you from enjoying your own damn life. As moms, we often put immense pressure on ourselves to be constantly available and productive, which can lead to feelings of guilt when we take time for ourselves or try to claim that rare free time for some enjoyment. Recognize that self-care is not selfish; it’s essential. You are a human being who deserves to enjoy her life!
Yes yes, AND, by taking care of your own needs, you’re better equipped to care for others.
So give yourself permission to relax and remember that it’s okay to prioritize your own well-being. Embrace the idea that you deserve this time to recharge. It could take some practice. I believe in you. You can do this.
4. Your environment isn’t conducive to relaxation (clutter, reminders of demands, noise)
Your surroundings play a crucial role in your ability to relax. A cluttered or noisy environment can be a significant distraction, preventing you from achieving a state of calm.
Sometimes I can leave the dishes in the sink, ignore the clean basket of laundry taunting me to fold it, and utterly disregard the pile of mail, go horizontal, and enjoy me an episode of Call the Midwife.
Sometimes not.
If you’re sensing that your environment is part of the problem, here’s what to do:
Look around your space and identify elements that might be contributing to your restlessness. Simple changes like tidying up your area, closing a door, or going into a dedicated quiet zone can give you enough peace to relax.
You can also create sensory cues that tell your body it’s time to relax. A calming scented candle or essential oils can transform your environment into a more relaxing haven. So can a familiar playlist, your favorite podcast, or ambient music.
Your physical space can play a big role in setting you up for relaxation.
5. You have other unmet needs, such as need for connection, exercise, sleep, accomplishment, appreciation
Unmet needs can create a sense of dissatisfaction and restlessness that hinders your ability to relax. These needs could be physical, emotional, or social.
Take some time to identify what might be missing in your life.
Are you feeling isolated? Consider reaching out to a trusted friend.
Do you feel disconnected from your partner? What’s an instantaneous way you can see each other, and what’s a way you can build more connection into your days and weeks on the regular?
Do you feel restless? Maybe a quick walk around the block or a few countertop push-ups would help.
Here are a few more ideas you could try:
- Getting a good night’s sleep or enough sleep in general - if you’re a new mom, this might be a little harder!
- Dancing to your favorite song
- Yoga - which is great for both physical health and mental health
- Regular exercise that you enjoy
- Spending time with close friends or your best friend
- A short walk with some fresh air
- A social media hiatus or cleanse
- A date night with your partner
The good news: when you realize what needs are going unmet, you can go about getting them met. Maybe in the moment. Maybe in a more long-term, sustainable way.
Addressing these unmet needs is an excellent way to smooth the way toward relaxation and contentment when you finally get that alone time.
Check-in with yourself
The first step to relaxing is to check in with yourself – what kind of rest do you actually need? What’s getting in the way.
Back to that pool scene — when I realized that relaxing wasn’t relaxing, I checked in with myself and realized neither my body nor my mind were primed to relax.
I had work on my mind that needed to get out, so I brain-released into my notes app.
I had pent up energy in my body that needed to get out, so I jumped in that pool and let Mr 7 lead us in a game of Monkey Island, which he made up on the spot. Because this kid knows how to have fun.
And I’ll be honest — I never did pick that book up again that afternoon. Turned out that wasn’t the rest I needed.
Understanding what’s going on inside you and around you can be the first step to finding a way to truly unwind. Be curious. Be gentle with yourself. You deserve it.
Ready Set Recap
If you get the chance to relax, but you can’t, check to see if one of these things is happening:
1. Your nervous system is dysregulated
2. Your mind is preoccupied
3. You’re feeling guilty about taking time for yourself
4. Your environment isn’t conducive to relaxation (clutter, reminders of demands, noise)
5. You have other unmet needs, such as need for connection, exercise, sleep, accomplishment, appreciation
Could you use help getting the rest and reset that works for you?
Claim a mom-life coaching spot. Apply today or send an email to [email protected] with any questions. Let’s reset your experience of motherhood.
This post was all about unwinding as a mom. If this meant something to you, you might also like:
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