Parenting is an endurance sport. Let's set ourselves up for success.
If you've ever been in the thick of parenting and felt that you were about to break, here's a little sports metaphor that can help you endure.
Erika Friday finishing the Big Sur Marathon, 2012.
What can endurance sports teach us about parenting?
How a well-planned marathon helps runners achieve their goals
Back in 2012, when I was a wee lass of 32, not yet married, and not yet a mom, I ran my first (and only) marathon. It stretched along the California coast from Big Sur up Highway 1 to Carmel. It was beautiful, and it was grueling. One feature this marathon is famous for is the 500-foot climb from mile 10 to mile 12.
Big Sur Marathon elevation profile, bigsurmarathon.org.
As a runner, you're not yet halfway through. You're faced with perhaps the steepest and longest slope you've ever run. If it's your first marathon, you're not sure you can finish this hill, let alone finish the entire course. You consider giving up.
The marathon producers know just how defeating this section of the race course can be. And so they plan for it.
Because they want you to succeed.
Just at the point when you're about to throw in the towel, giving up on your goal, scrapping the months of training you've put in, you start to hear it — a low, rhythmic pounding. It's as if every step you make in your climb up that hill is resounding off the pavement, echoing off the hills that rise to your right, and drifting out to the ocean on your left.
These are the Taiko drummers, urging you on with their powerful, synchronized beats. (I can't watch that clip without tearing up. It was so powerful!)
This was by design! They saw the hardest section of the course and inserted the most powerful cheering squad. We can do that.
So, let's bring this type of forethought and planning to our days.
Lessons in endurance running that can be applied to mom-life
Step 1: Identify points in the course of your day that are like that hill. Challenges that make you want to throw in the towel.
It could be a tactical moment, like:
- Bath time
- Bedtime
- Getting out the door
- The witching hour, when your kids are at their neediest, you have the least to give, and you also need to be making dinner
It could be relational, like:
- Separation anxiety at drop-off
- Your child feeling social rejection that brings up unhealed wounds from your past
- A need to hold a boundary
- A need to discipline an ongoing behavioral issue
Step 2: Purposefully station supports to cheer yourself on.
Here are just a few ideas to get you going.
For tactical challenges, tactical solutions may be all you need
Bath time
Put on YOUR favorite music and get into it. If your kid is splashing, coach yourself that it's easy enough to dry. If you get wet, coach yourself that you can change clothes soon. If your kid is taking a looooooong time and not cooperating with getting out of the tub, coach yourself that this is water therapy for them, not just getting clean.
Personally, I HAAAAATED when my kids were toddlers and they would splash and I'd get wet. My need for control and HSP tendencies were not having it. I wish I'd had the presence of mind to coach myself in this way.
Bedtime
While you're helping your little one with their bedtime steps, smooth your favorite lotion onto your own hands. The action of touching one hand to the other and the scent of the lotion will help you slow down and be in the moment. Which, paradoxically, will help it move along.
Getting out the door
Music can work here too, a theme song to get you all pumped up and moving in the right direction. Just try pumping The Cup of Life by Ricky Martin and NOT busting a move. (I also like to reward myself with a piece of gum once everyone's buckled up.)
The witching hour
When your kids are at their neediest, you have the least to give, and you also need to be making dinner (or do you?)
- Give yourself something crunchy (carrots, pretzels) to snack on while you're cooking. It's an occupational therapy trick, and I'm here for it.
- While you're at it, set out some appetizers for the littles ones. And by appetizers, I mean things you want to serve them anyway, like carrots, celery, cucumber, hummus, hard-boiled egg.
- Simplifying dinner and making it as hands off as possible during the witching hour is a whole other topic.
For relational challenges, mindful awareness and self-coaching can be powerful tools.
When I was running that hill, I didn't deny there was a hill. I didn't gaslight myself and say it was easy or SHOULD BE easy. No, instead it sounded more like "Go, go, go, go. Step, step, step, step" to the beat of those drums.
Mindful awareness in relational challenges can sound like: "This is a challenge. Here it is. THIS is parenting. This is the work."
Here’s what that mindful, acceptance-based self-coaching might sound like in a few familiar examples.
Separation anxiety at drop-off
"He doesn't like this, and I don't like it either. But we can do it. I trust he'll be well cared for when I'm gone. I trust that I'll use the childcare time well. I trust that we will come back together soon. I love reconnecting with my child after pickup."
Your child feeling social rejection that brings up unhealed wounds from your past
"I remember what this feels like, and my heart is breaking with hers. This is hard. I can sit with her and be next to her as she goes through this. I know she feels rejected and alone right now, and I felt that way, too, back then. But here we are, we aren't alone. We're together. And the more she knows herself, the more she'll find her people."
A need to hold a boundary
"Of course they don't like my new boundary. Of course it's not easy for me to hold it. It's new for them and it's new for me. This is only the beginning. This is practice. I'm setting this boundary because it's aligned with my values and serves my temperament. This is practice."
A need to discipline an ongoing behavioral issue
(exhale) "She kicked him and he threw Legos at her AGAIN. Ok, self, this might not be pretty, but you know what you have to do. Connect and correct. Connect and correct.”
Mom-Win: Setting ourselves up for success
- Think of ONE spot in the course of your day that's hard for you
- Think of ONE thing you can put in place (either a tactic or a mantra) to cheer you on
- Try it out, and let me know how it goes! I LOVE hearing what you get out of these posts! Don't be shy!
Bonus sports metaphor
So, yeah, I conquered that hill, and then some, but around mile 24, I started to doubt I was going to finish. My toenails ached, my legs wobbled, and my whole being was a level of tired I'd never known before. (Note, this is before pregnancy and motherhood, ha!) I thought, "It doesn't actually matter if I finish this marathon because it's all made up. It would be easy to just stop."
Then a lady, probably about 20 years older than me with the air of marathon experience about her, started to pass me. She must have seen my withering body language. She said as she passed, "Don't give up! You're doing it!" (I'm crying again at this memory!)
Dear mama,
When you've had it, when you don't think you can endure one more minute let alone one more mile, hear me cheering you on. "Don't give up! You're doing it!" Because it won't always be pretty, and it won't always feel good, but we do it because it IS worth it. It DOES matter.
I didn't give up! I did it! I'll probably never do it again!!!
Big sigh. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to write my thoughts and share them with you. Without you, I wouldn't.
Wishing you happiness, peace, and ease,
XOXO
Erika
This post was all about setting ourselves up for success by thinking about parenting like an endurance sport. If this meant something to you, you might also like:
How to let go of perfectionism in motherhood
5 Ways to Start Taking in the Good
Resentment in Motherhood and What it can Teach Us
If this post helps make your mom-life easier,
subscribe to the weekly-ish newsletter and never miss a post.
